Please Date Someone Normal (Gabby Listened to TTPD)

April 19 has long been an important day for me and my community.

On April 19, 2012, my parents picked me up from seventh grade social studies and told me they would be taking me to our town hospital's pediatric mental health unit, where I would have to live for a little while. I was shocked and sad — I was going to miss our school's Family Fun Night! (Also I wouldn't beat my peers' "crazy girl" allegations until long after we finished high school.) But I knew my parents probably wouldn't have institutionalized me if I didn't need help. So, I set a timer on my iPod touch and I let myself be sad about Family Fun Night (and impending social ostracisation). I cried for 45 minutes, and then I packed a bag. It was time to get better.

On April 19, 2024, Taylor Swift released her 11th studio album, The Tortured Poets Department. I'm going to tell you what it made me think about.

(Swifties: I come in peace! I'm one of you!)

Just like a pop album, I promise I have a thesis to argue. But before I get to it I'm going to wet your palate with a stream of consciousness I didn't really edit all that much.

What I Liked About It

The piano on loml was a nice departure from the guitar-heavy songs that came before it. Good change of pace. It re-commanded my attention.

Post Malone's part of Fortnight. Yay!

I love when Taylor Swift pretends to be scary, genuinely.

The chorus of But Daddy I Love Him sounded country and it feels cosmically correct when she sings with twang. I was dancing!

The Bolter: Finally, a Taylor Swift song for the girls with an avoidant attachment style!

YAY FLORENCE!!!!!!!!! (I liked the percussion in this one <3)

Lyrics I Liked

Lyric	Why I Liked It
I'm pissed off you let me give you all that youth for free, for so long	Ex-situationship treated me bad
You look like Taylor Swift in this light	Top 3 song topics: the human artist grappling with their persona
My friends all smell like weed or little babies	Mid-20s core
You know how to ball I know Aristotle	lol
Crying at the gym	She is a member of my community
These people try and save you 'cause they hate you	Grew up in Saskatchewan
There's no such thing as bad thoughts; only your actions talk	My harm/morality OCD ally
In plain sight you hid but you are what you did	A callback to the lyric above?

Miscellaneous Thoughts I Had About It

imgonnagetyouback: Didn't Olivia Rodrigo release this song not that long ago?

My friends warned me about the 1830s lyric and I still wasn't prepared for it. Almost spit out my coffee in the thrift store!

Isn't The Black Dog the name of the bar where Jeramey talked to Sarah Ann until 5 a.m. on Love is Blind Season 6?

ThanK you aIMee: This song was on Speak Now!

The "said you were gonna grow up" part of Peter was having the effect on me where you repeat a word a bunch of times and it starts to lose meaning. But I had fun!

Imagine if The Manuscript had a string orchestra on the post-chorus piano instrumental *heart eyes emoji*

What I Didn't Like About It

Why is your album two hours? Why is any album two hours? Excessive output does not mean you're an irrepressible creative powerhouse; it means you have improperly edited your work. An album should be 45 minutes; a movie should be 90 minutes; and houses should cost $1000.

The production on the "so depressed I act like it's my birthday" part of I Can Do It With a Broken Heart sounded like the last lap of a Mario Kart race.

You're Taylor Swift! Why be sad about a boy? Put on some mascara and stand outside for four minutes. A new one will find you :)

Lyrics I Did Not Like

Lyric	What I Have to Say About It
How much sad did you think I had?	First-grade poetry assignment when you're just learning what rhymes are
You don't get to tell me about sad	Please revise.
You wouldn't last an hour in the asylum where they raised me	I consider this appropriation of my culture

A Thesis to Argue

Actually, those aren't all the lyrics I didn't like. There are more, but the others are part of a theme I think proliferates far beyond this album, and far beyond Taylor Swift.

Let's start here: "You told Lucy you'd kill yourself if I ever leave, and I had said that to Jack about you so I felt seen." There's actually a word for this in psychotherapy. They call it "unhealthy."

The problem I'm getting at is also perpetuated in tracks like I Can Fix Him (No Really I Can) ("saying 'God help her' when I tell 'em he's my man") and The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived ("Were you sent by someone who wanted me dead?" "It wasn't sexy once it wasn't forbidden." "I would've died for your sins; instead I just died inside.") It's this tantalizingly salacious, Thanatic-instinct-indulgent, exceedingly repost-able, "demented-hopeless-romantic-delusionally-obsessed-with-men-who-don't-treat-her-well-but-it's-fine-because-she's-hot" ethos that has consumed a generation and, I'm willing to bet, convinced many of the prettiest and smartest women you know that it is their destiny to feel lonely and wronged.

I know I'm not known for my pithiness. To illustrate, here are some things I saw within five minutes of opening my Instagram explore page this afternoon:

Now, before you start, I know this is my explore page and that the algorithm shows you things similar to things with which you've previously interacted. You make a good point! I'm well-aware I have untameable emotions and self-destructive tendencies. That's precisely why I'm so hypervigilant to songs that aestheticise self-harm through negligent amorous conduct. (And for the record, that's not all my explore page is. I also get a lot of skits featuring this child:)

I also want to emphasize that I don't think Taylor Swift is responsible for this way of thinking. In fact, I think it was smart of her to capitalize on the trendiness of this mentality and give the tracks on this album relatable AF titles. You don't have to have listened to a song called My Boy Only Breaks His Favourite Toys to share it with the caption "my and my ex who I never technically dated" and revel in the resulting likes from women with stories just like yours. And your ex who you never technically dated shouldn't have treated you like that. But resigning yourself to misery by claiming damage as a core part of your individuality won't make the wounds hurt any less.

The love of your life is not the degenerate bad boy who's mean to everyone but nice to you (until he's not). He works in software, probably, and has a bedtime from Sunday to Thursday. His exes have good things to say about him, and he will feel boring at first because of that. He's not awakening with dread and pounding nails in your head. He's not telling you he's a poet trapped in the body of a finance guy.

Just like all your favourite TikTok it-girls, I support women's rights and women's wrongs. It's OK to have fun and indulge the unhealed, vindictive part of you! In fact, it can be cathartic and necessary. If listening to music about obsessing over the bad bad lover who wronged you prevents you from actually obsessing over the bad bad lover who wronged you, keep on streaming. But don't let it consume you. "A woman scorned" is not your identity.

Set a timer on your iPod touch and let yourself cry for 45 minutes. Then pack a bag. It's time to get better.